I'm in class right now with nothing better to do than post something. I don't know what's wrong with me, even though I had such a great day yesterday things took a turn for the worse just before I went to bed. I'm not going to complain about my parents not understanding me, like most teenagers do, but I will say that despite them always being nice to me, it doesn't give them the right to call me all kinds of shit when they want to. Even if they do have the right to, I don't like it, and I am allowed to not like it.
Though apparently I'm not allowed to have a deferring opinion or to respond to the insults in any way because that would make me "rude and disrespectful". And when I just nod and bow my head, I'm accused of being "a failure and a coward", and "having no will or spine".
I don't get it. What is it that is being asked of me?!
True, I've been having my doubts lately. Not about going to London, but about my ability to succeed if I go there straight away. Honestly, I'm not that good, and if I do make it in right now I doubt I'll be happy; if I wasn't accepted in the first round, it means at least most of the people there are about ten times better than me - so shouldn't I go in with some kind of previous preparation? I tried explaining this to them, but I got a verbal slap in the face. What should I say? What should I do? I just don't know anymore, whether to please myself or others and if I'm stepping into something I'll be unable to cope with. More than insecure, I'm terrified of failing. It is a worse fate than being lonely.
Ironically, failure is something I apparently excel at.
Maybe I am just a failure and a coward.

And I have another problem... on a rather strange level.
The first boy I ever liked was two years ago, in 10th grade, when I was 15. Consequently, I've never had an actual physical relationship with anyone - not because I didn't like anyone (I didn't, but I was ready to) but because I am probably impossible to like. Most people like me and cherish me as a friend but the truth is my faults drown my qualities completely, so I'll probably end up a spinster with a house full of cats. Though I don't believe in destiny, I'm probably destined to be alone and this thought scares me to death, as much as the idea of failure. Probably even more. In all honesty, I'm too much of a hopeless and idealistic romantic; I dream of a big, problem-topping, knight-in-shining-armor love. That isn't real anymore and it definitely won't be real for me. Still, I expected after liking someone for the first time it would be easier for me to like someone else again. True, I had a crush on a friend of mine for some time, but it wasn't the same. And now I've been debating with myself because of a rising affection that I can't possibly show or tell anyone about because it's stupid. Just stupid.
So so stupid.

Am I bound to end up a failure? And alone?
I just don't know what to do anymore...
Argh. Emo post is emo. I'll post something over this tomorrow or something...

P.S.
Recorded myself singing. You can make fun of me if you'd like - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oasQkIahXTw